Sunday, November 20, 2016

Year One

it's been a year since we took the plunge off the high diving board and into the deep end.
see last year's post

wow.
we did it.  we actually did it and we are good, we are totally ok.
a huge thank you to everyone who helped support us, seriously every single little bit helped and made a difference.  from generous ears and kind words to referrals and opportunities.  i don't know how we would have done this without our amazing group of friends and family.  THANK YOU.

hey time.  you really need to slow the hell down.
this year went by fast.  last year was malcolm's first year which means he was really JUST BORN and when the hell was i pregnant for a 3rd time???  and with 4 years in between the first two kids, seriously where is all the time going???

another christmas is headed our way.  my first day of holiday sessions is in 10 hours although we need to be up in running in 8 to drop off the kids at daycare so kevin can be my snowman/confetti man for the day.  it's crazy to think these sessions were my starting point with photography.  i'll be doing them at the school this year instead of at home.  the level of kevin's domesticity has rendered me a useless husband who no longer does anything because "well why should i if he is doing it and can do it better".  i never thought in the entirety of my life that i would ever say that.  i am lucky but i truly hate how i have allowed it to turn me into a disgusting lazy piece of crap.  where was i going with this... oh yeah, having the sessions at the school this year because i can not be bothered to have my home in Show Home condition with 3 kids in 1500sq feet.  I CANNOT.  even if that means i lose my profit to paying rent to the school.  to be fair, i also get way more space and therefore flexibility with lighting, but really it's because my house is too messy and i am too lazy to clean it for company. maybe i'm legitimately too tired, but i'm going to call it laziness anyway.  also, i'm really over-paranoid about the house still smelling musty.  embarrassed.

things kevin does:
-BE A SINGLE PARENT OF 3 FOR TWO WEEKS
-gets up every morning before me and makes the kids' lunches.
-sometimes make me my egg and toast.  and my london fog.
-if i am really hating myself in the morning and i am still in bed, he then takes them to school.
(please note i said "hating myself" not "hating how spoiled i am", self-hatred is different than gratitude)
-takes malcolm out on errands/library/strong start/park so i can work.
-if i am still on a roll, he will pick up kids and take them to their lessons.
-makes dinner every frigging night because i've given up on wrapping my brain around trying to organize my life so that i can work groceries and meal-planning into my schedule.
i mean what does he do all day anyway, he might as well just make the damn dinner while i'm doing work even if work is often sidetracked by reading 5 million articles on the current state of the world as Trump has come into power...
-if i don't/can't make the effort he does story time with kids after yelling at them during shower time (nightly yelling at children is mandatory in this house as patience quickly runs out closest to the finish line)

not sure why i made that list.  because it's a lot.  it's a lot and it was my role for so long and now that i finally seem to have slid pretty much all my food onto his plate, i am missing that role.  why do w e romanticize things we don't have???  WHY.  why is the stupid grass greener.  after this year of switching roles, i'm ready to be a stay at home mom again LOL.  i miss being able to make dates with other moms to go to parks and have hot drinks.  it's weird having less of those dates in my life when they were the thing that got me through each week for so many years.  it's been weird having to say NO to so many invitations.  it's been weird having people assume i'm too busy.  i miss just doing crafts with the kids.  as much as i hate cooking, it felt good to be able to do a decent job of it.  it was, in its own way, therapeutic... as long as malcolm isn't screaming and crying on my leg the entire time.  the chopping and methodical pace could be pleasant.  now i seriously can't even handle trying to get through a recipe.  i hate the feeling of feeling useless.  i hate my sluggishness and feeling totally DUMB standing in the kitchen.  i hate the laziness of not wanting to cook and how many times this year i totally bought garbage or just made everyone go out to eat.  for the first time, i understood the working mom.  staying at home i definitely had my judgey moments, questioning why a home cooked meal was so impossible and now i know all the flavours of my foot in my mouth.

i miss it.  i miss the slower days.  i'm so proud of myself for everything i have achieved this year.  i feel really good about myself for making it and so surprised that it's already a year!  it's been a big year for a lot of people, a lot of friends who have also made leaps and bounds and life changes.  kevin has started helping out more with one of our friends who started his own business.  a lot of it is things kevin is familiar with and a lot of the jobs are close to home.  this year has been nuts for both of us, i'm really hoping he can take on a bit more so i can pull back and reassess my side of things and figure out a plan for the new year.  also, it's been so good for him to get out and DO THINGS since that is where he finds personal satisfaction.  as much as he has totally owned being the stay-at-home parent this year, i know he needs to keep his brain going and nothing numbs a brain like being a stay-at-home parent hahahaha.


oh man oh man oh man.
i regret staying up to do this but i'm so happy i did
and i really hope i get back to blogging more this year.

i'm going to die tomorrow.  8 sessions.  deep breath.  we've done this.









Monday, November 7, 2016

Back from India

because i don't know if i'll ever have time to finish this post...

it's Monday.  lindsay and i happily  arrived back on West Coast soil Thursday after what was an eventful last day of our trip.  we were greeted at the gate by our men, Neil, Kevin and Little Malcolm.    i caught a bug on our last day, or perhaps a day or two before, that started off as an innocent cough and turned into a nasty fever with chills and a spinning headache.  lindsay, was in newly rough shape having accidentally toppled a boiling hot tea kettle onto her lap first thing in the morning when sitting down to breakfast.  she had second degree burns on her stomach and leg that had blistered and required medical attention.  what a pair.  what a way to travel back home.  i can only be grateful that these things happened on our last day and not while we were in India.  one of my greatest worries was getting sick while having to shoot Nik's wedding or being sick for the majority of time and throwing away this once in a lifetime experience.  saving the worst for last was a blessing.

we also had a scare prior to my fever hitting.  at the Mumbai Airport, which is undoubtedly the most opulent and beautiful airport on earth, i was convinced i had my hand purse stolen that held my passport, credit card, phone, and key to unlock my checked baggage.  for a good half an hour i tried to make peace with the fact that i might not get to return home on schedule and that having to contact the consulates was going to be part of this trip's adventure.  despite both lindsay and i checking my luggage and camera bag 3 times, we both managed to miss my purse that happened to be lodge deeply behind my reflector.  for whatever reason, we both kept checking in front of the reflector where my journal and novel were, never considering to check the behind.  airport security had been involved and after checking their cameras, it was clear that nobody had swiped my bag, i had just hidden my purse from myself... embarrassingly typical of me.  kind of like how i lost our hotel keys at the beach hahaha.

the trip was so great.  it was definitely the least India of India without having seen anything outside of Goa.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

thinking in LA

another unfinished post.  seriously, this blog is scrap paper notes right now.

i'm in Cali again, this time with The Mutt aka Malcolm.

it's minutes to midnight and i could have gone to bed probably 1-2 hours ago.  i brought my laptop.  i've caught up on some work, not really knowing if it's work.  i wish i didn't suck so hard at being organized and prioritizing.  i'm working on it but as it truly is not my forte nor my natural way, it's quite the challenge added to my plate of a-little-bit-of-everything.

i've been shaking my head a lot lately over how i've been feeling in this new role.  time is laughing at me.  reminding me of how hard it was to be at home with moses and chloe, with all my time going to them and barely anytime to do much other than blog and maybe do a few craft shows.  fast forward to today and all i want to do is spend time with them doing arts and crafts and going on outings.  malcolm is missing out on that quality time.  i hate it.  he's also proving to be the most rambunctious of them all and i really need to shape up my discipline with him as he is definitely acting like we are all full of shit and he can walk all over us if he smiles.  the training starts young.


tofino

i never finished this post.  i'm going to post it anyway with a link to the photo gallery.
we went to Tofino, just kevin and i, to celebrate Lindsay and Neil's wedding.

Photo Gallery Here

it's beautiful here.  we didn't get around much today but our 20 minute stop at Incinerator Beach was what my body needed after 6-7 hours of travelling.  we had not anticipated the 45 extra minutes of sitting around in construction traffic.  i was making an effort to not be disappointed that we would have to hightail it out of here early sunday morning, but with this traffic in place we would have to leave even earlier to make our ferry back home.  we arrived at the airport to pick up Robin and Branch but the fog had delayed their flight.  we decided to drive into town but soon realized we would have to turn around as soon as we arrived, so we u-turned on Pacific Rim Hwy and made a quick pitstop at Incinerator Beach before returning to the airport.  It was almost 5pm and I just wanted to be done with the travelling and start the relaxation part of this short trip.  I could not have asked for a more stunning awakening.  The miles of sand.  The waves.  The waves.  The waves emerging from the early evening glowing fog.  The light.  The openness.  I felt overwhelmed by the openess.  Breathtaking is a legitimate description, I literally felt like I couldn't breath as I took in this new view.  Kevin ran ahead to climb the giant rock.  I followed.  I was in love.  Painfully in love.  I was jealous of the surfers.  I can see why people come out here, I can see why people live out here.  Just based on this one area, it was definitely worth the trip.  I'm hoping we have time tomorrow morning to go back and actually go into the water.

We eventually hurried back to the car as we had to pay to be there and didn't...  We arrived at the airport just in time to see Robin and Branch.  it would be our first time truly hanging out together.  we drove into town to pick up the keys to our weekend home.  love the town, love the shops, love our weekend home, love R&B for finding our place and being such easy people to get along with.  after recharging at home, we headed out to pick up a few groceries, drop off wedding stationery with Lindsay, and then have dinner at Kuma.  

  

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Back to School 2016-2017

SIGH

the countdown to Back to School has had me super bummed out.  so many parents are stoked to get their kids out of their hair so they can press on uninterrupted with fights and tantrums and endless food making.  I AM NOT STOKED.  i'll take the fights and tantrums.  i like having them around. sometimes i need to get work done and they need to haul their butts out of my space or as some days would have it, the house, but we were lucky this year.  having kevin at home probably was what made this summer so terrific.  we could take turns with them.  we could barter and trade morning for afternoon, or whole days if necessary.  it was the first time we got to be together as a family all summer.  it was balanced.  the key was balance and it was balanced!  

also, this summer wasn't the gruelling pace of last year.  my body is back and i feel good and i fit into my clothes again.  malcolm isn't a baby that i have to haul around and whip my giant tits out for anymore.  i had all 3 of them ALL DAY, ALL SUMMER as kevin's schedule was basically 16 hour days of going to work and then working on the house/yard.  this was the best summer i've had in my entire life, and it was completely without getting to travel or do anything costly or super exciting.  it was just NICE.  it was relaxing.  i was working but didn't have to kill myself and managed to pay bills.  i got to spend time with friends partying and swimming and having dinners, we as a family enjoyed so many gorgeous evening bike rides and had a fantastic time camping.  we went to Splashdown for the last time before it shuts down, and i got to watch Malcolm laugh and splash for the first time on waterslides.  i felt free.  i felt so damn free.  it felt like the first break in forever for ALL OF US and as the cold weather swooped in this last week in combination with parents excitedly anticipating school,  i wanted to throw myself on the floor and just freak-cry in true malcolm style.  my feet are so cold, my hands are cold and starting to ache, and my chest hurts every time i look at my pile of summer clothes to move into the closet.  

with a heavy heart, i am hopeful for more good things to come, even if it means pushing through a long cold and rainy 10 months.  thankfully, i will be heading to Tofino this weekend for Lindsay and Neil's wedding, followed by a quick trip to Cali with Malcolm (while he is still free to fly!), and then my trip to India at the end of October.  which will bring me to Christmas Sessions, Christmas, Chloe + Malcolm's birthday and into 2017.


moving forward.  peeks into this morning's first day of school...

chloe had been up with me for a while in my bed.  we eventually got up to wake the boys who were grumpy and tired...




moses hiding in the cozy warm blankets



this guy is in the throws of it lately.  crying endlessly over nothing.




endless...




always wearing one of his hand-me-down oversized lego shirts for jams


smart dad made overnight oatmeal



he lost two teeth in two days in early August.
he's got one more beside that centre gap starting to wiggle... 

I know what's going to happen...
I'm going to go back to school with NO TEETH
~ Moses, Age 7
After losing his first 2 teeth



gonna miss those baby teeth


Malcolm unapologetically smashing Chloe with the toy stroller

OH BY THE WAY
WE GOT A NEW DOOR AND IT IS THE EFFING BOMB


morning crew


so thankful for this Mama for inviting us super last minute for one last hurrah over at her place yesterday afternoon for snack, treats, drinks, and a swim in their very heated pool.  the kids and i had a blast!!!!!


i took too long saying goodbye to this one that by the time i ran over to Moses on the other side of the school he had already gone inside.

so happy i forced myself to take these photos...  i love remembering this stuff.



thank you summer for everything.



Sunday, August 28, 2016

Camping 2016: Home + Happy Anniversary




GOOD MORNING!
the usual snuggle-fighting ensued


i think everyone had a wayyyyyyy better night's sleep.  the mattresses were pumped full and it was nice and quiet in the foresty area away from the road.  i wish we could have had a photo of all of us but that would require too much set up. 

  

i love these people


i love that i brought coffee
it was much chillier this morning and it really hit the spot
thanks mc for the press and the grinds


more crack






i went back to the boat launch with the kids while kevin packed us up



so many fish







malcolm went in the water and was soaked.
thank god for big brothers and their sweaters.



farewell!
the campsite was fantastic.  it did not have the facilities of the Princeton RV Park, just single no-flush johns with no light.  there is a tap and water fountain by the johns.  the two ladies that were riding around greeting guests and selling firewood were both super friendly.  not much for facilities but so beautiful.  the roads throughout are smooth and run up and down for kids to bikeride.  we will definitely have to bring bikes next time.  i've never been to Osoyoos or Kelowna, i think next year we will also venture that way.  i'm already so excited.


on our way home we said good riddance to the disgusting tree full of shoes


made me feel so sick like it had a terrible textural disease




farewell town of Princeton

it was a long long ride back.  we detoured through Harrison to visit Kilby, a little itsy bitsy town kevin had visited a long time ago.  it wasn't great.  the kids were getting hot, malcolm was at his wits' end and by the time we arrived (3 hours later), both the campsite and parking lot to swim in the lake were all full.  we cooled off with ice cream from the tiny visitors shop and restaurant before getting back into the van and into traffic.  it was so hot.  the van has no air conditioning and we were pushing 4-5 hours at this point.  poor malcolm was suffering as he had long passed his nap.  we finally arrived at my mom's who so kindly offered to take them overnight.  we took refuge in her cool shady backyard before heading out for dinner. 


it just happened to be our anniversary.  i had thought about heading into vancouver, but we both definitely had enough driving for the day.  we hopped over to The Gudrun which was 10 minutes away from my mom's and enjoyed a cool and quiet dinner together.  SO QUIET.  SO SO QUIET.






cheers to 9 years of marriage
this shit ain't easy no matter how i'm spinning it

we walked off dinner and dessert around steveston.  it was bustling with people, locals and tourists.  driving home, the sunset was calling my name, so we stopped to catch the last of it at Centennial.


still like this guy.  good guy.  very good guy.


and because there are no photos of me ever, here are 3 more



there have been some really hard weeks, months and years
i'm so glad this summer has been a really terrific one
so so so glad

stupid school ugh